I am not cynical. At least not today.


Church is good.


Get well soon. I swear i will NEVER give u any other form of medication. I am sorry. Really. I am.


voel eovl eolv evol voel lvoe loev lovee. :)

What the fuck. So it has finally come to this huh. Zero contact whatsoever. So 8 yrs of friendship is done just like that. All the way back to primary 4. But gone in half a year. Not that i am trying. But all the doors are shut closed or claimed "spoilt". You dont just keep quiet or not answer any forms of communication just like that and expect people to see things your way and just leave the friendship. Sorry. I cant take it standing up. Not after so long. I dont wish to point fingers at who's fault is it. Frankly, I believe its personal choice. But dont we all feel cheated to be casted away just like that?


Whats going wrong that even the entire family is gone from all your means of contact? If we are that distasteful or unbearable then at least tell us or inform of your departure? Doing it quietly is just plain gutless. Or "non-confrontational" as some wld call it.


Bullshit. I call it "running away" and not giving us and me a explanation. You owe me. And I will be waiting.


All i want for New Years is my friend back.

ok. I am happy. Really! Jus plain happy. I am even smiling now! *grinz*


I apologize for the misinformation and typo for the previous entry: Man. Its fast coming 4th mths.


Actual and truthful facts are edited to show: Man. Its fast coming 5 mths. Sorry for any inconnvinience caused.


Another meeting with main family this time. Dinner in fact at Crystal Jade ytd. I nearly exploded due to the sheer volume of food and with the persisting line of "eat more. eat more." But nevertheless. I never back down from a challange that i know i can fully win. Nuff` said. Felt like a total noob. Her dad was like out-MICROING me with all his technical jargons. I had to like come up with my best deceptions such as fake buildings and mass technical rushes to keep my lifeline open. I kinda survived. With one tunnel left. Next time i will try console-style. Winning-11 him to death! :P


I watched NARNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. It was pretty good for a kids movie! And for me! Even certain shots, though at times weird feeling or questionable, were done up really nicely! Its nice to see how real-life green screen animations getting along pretty well improved. But yes. There is always more work that cld be tweaked. Narnia reminded me of Warcraft and Heros of might and magic blended together! Nice. But no blood. Damn the PG rating.


Till then. 4 days to new years. And yet another madcap adventure. This time. Her aunt's place. Pray for me!

Well Christmas is over. But the year isnt. Funny that we feel so much for new years but nothing for Christmas. Then again. it IS a christian holiday. But wats stopping our malay and indian frens from giving us pressies! *the non-christian ones*
i think i know why. Maybe we shld start giving first. Funny.


http://earth.google.com/download-earth.html.
Go try. i found my home. and it is DOWNLOADABLE.


Visited the entire family ytd. haha. yes i emerged unscathed and unharmed. Frankly, i was unfazed by the whole affair. Took it with a pinch of salt really. Considering i met parts and parcel on numerous past ocasions. haha. Her cousins were unsurprisingly the same age grp so relating to them wasnt at all hard. Or am i jus sociable. *Perishes thought.*


Man. Its fast coming 4th mths. And i already feel like it has been years. No wait. it HAS been a few years already. heh. And now we are facing "marriage" problems. Oh brother.


Your money is my money. My money is MY money.
Celine Teo 2005

Well. Merry christmas! Ytd was fun.

Moving on: Work.

Fuck. I want to watch Narnia!

wtfh is wrong with you. you don't just lift my layout like that, irregardless of whether it's closed or not. you can sue me and say I'm being bias but WTF of all people YOU HAD TO LIFT MY LAYOUT. im disgusted. and i hate that song now. alot.
ugh. im disgusted.
and i will try, to fix you
and thanks indian friend for making my day.
alvin goes very red after just one glass of vodka mix (:
-nothim.

I was bored. So i started reading my old archives. Gosh. Did i really write like that last time? then again. i was young. lol.

Best line i read so far: [Name one thing that embarrasses you:] my fren lin haibao...:p

ROFL. I cant stop laughing.

6 hours. I cant wait.
:)

This is harder than i thought. Gosh. I even started talking to yanni. haha. Every straying moment and time is just spent on you. There are times when i jus want to not think n skip into another reality but. You always invade and shatter whatever plane of dreamlike dimension i conjure up. Leaving me alone with the cold hard empty fact. You are not around.

2 more days. I cant wait.

I nodded my way through class. Nodded my way home. And jus as I am nodding in front of this computer, I shook my head hard. I was required to meet her. lol.
Well. i didnt.

Nothing is something.

you're gaming.
there.
i blogged.
(:

Looking at Team Singapore soccer is infuriating. Really. Dont get me wrong! I mean i DO support them. Like whenever a chance comes and i will be all hopeful and full of hype in the anticipation of the goal that they wld/or not score. But seriously. You can just turn the air blue jus by commentating. And Raddy abrahnovic sure did turn the air blue at Phillipines. Just hearing him shout the whole match. lol. I think I wld have shouted as much as he did. Who the hell has a non-existing midfield. 2 wingers that are so deep in - always waiting for the center midfield to pump LONG balls to them EVERY attack. The strikers are no doubt the same.

Result? Defence backpedals faster then a camel can and usually are caught exposed as if they werent "awake" enough. And they arent exactly very good to began with in the first place. Wait. Who am i to judge them in the first place u say. "If ya so good then why arent u in the team!".

The point is. Even the coach knows of problems like these. he knows they are prone to jus collapsing just like that. They havent exactly bonded well. Unlike the 1994-5 team led by Fandi Ahmed and co. Shld we hav high hopes for 2005 sea games? I think not.

Pity though. I certainly was rooting or hoping for them to go far. For i guess i am a patriot by heart. And which boy doesnt dream of representing his country in anything he does? :p

I am apologetic in nature. Its weird. Ppl say i take advantage of ppl. But yet i want the best for ppl in the expense of my own. So i ask myself. What do i want? I can be selfish yet selfless. I can spare a thought for others but turn my back just as soon as i dont see deem fit. I do try to be the better person. Constantly checking myself and reminding myself in CAPS. "STOP THAT". "DO IT THE OTHER WAY". "THINK ABOUT THEM".

Is this self-improvement?

Its weird to go through phases. Like how you are doing fine all along and "ka pap!". You run off in another direction with absolutely no clue on where ya going. And just as you finally realised the meaning of it. You tell yourself its wrong and u go back to the old way!

Ok. Forgive me. That made absolutely no sense at all. lol. Maybe tts wat hibernating at home does to one's grey gooey pie. I am so not in "sch mode" yet. so NOT. Tts bad. Maybe its because i havent really start classes. Tml wld be the heavy day. Ending at 5. I need a slap. Or maybe a kick from Eric Khoo wld get me in the right direction. Now where did i put the "I am smart, SO are you!" book.

Ah. Before i forget. there is a new addition to my room. Its green. Rather big and soft. And it has brocolli patterns all around it. Go figure.

Three mths were real.
Almost surreal.
As colourful as teal.
And yet, it was perfect as heal.
Just as i am moving forward with zeal.
I realised how much more i have to peal.

everyone's missing.
he's missing.
she's missing.
they're missing.
everyone's m.i.a. wtf.
he's playing.
they're studying.
they're watching.
i'm bumming
in front of the comp
the last place i should be at this time of the year
so im getting off
shooing myself off
toodles
and come back for more soon!
-her

If you eat like a noob. You will be OWNED like a noob.

To say i am happy wld be an understatement. I am thorougly EXCITED! Gosh. I was only this excited and happy only when i went to Disneyland Florida back then! HA. I am in my own state of Euphoria! Gosh. i cant wait. Just another ten more hours. To you. :)

The slience is deafening. So loud that I jus wanna scream right back at it. But i cant. Because what comes out of my huge desperate mouth is nothing. No words. Its as though I jus swallowed my voice-box and all that is coming out are guttural inaudible sounds. The animal in me is anxious enough to rip out of my body and spill my sloppy guts all over the floor. But he cant. I cant communicate even though both sides of my brain is screaming for me to do something. Its when all conflicting views and points of the matter jus reaches that point of meeting and simutaneously combust into nothing. You were expecting a big bang quiaff?

Neg. Somehow nothing emerges from it. As much as i try to do otherwise. I try my best to cope with the slience and the ever mounting wall that seems to surpress me no matter how hard i try to scale it. Its almost like an indomintable fortress. Where inside holds the only soul that i hav been trying to understand for 3 years. Navigating past obstacles only brought me so far. Now i stand before the wall and nothing i do will penetrate it. There is no noise from the otherside. Only slience. And the reassurances that i receive continuously and almost mechanically.

Nevertheless. I can see the wall breaking. Slowly, as it ever will take, but surely.
I am close to the point of unsureness and not-knowing-wat-to-do-anymore. Patience was never mine to tame. Neither has it been unrelentless on me. With my ever present sickness and increasing withdrawal from the other world, i keep asking myself on the persistence of the task at hand. Is it worth it? Abandoning all other thoughts and task? Constantly thinking abt it and nothing else? Knowing its my fault yet i am helpless to do anything about.
I prayed the other day. Hard. Begging forgiveness and seeking redemption for what i did to you. Hoping that everything wld be alright. You are right. I never was scared. I nv understood. I think i am begining to now. I think i try to step into ur shoes. I know u are facing alot right now. But. Would it so much hurt as to even ask me for help?

I always am here and hav never gone anywhere. Neither wld i want to go anywhere because its my choice.


All i ask.
For one simple thing.
Is to hold my hand.
and fly with me.

To up and beyond.
away from the troubles.
Just you and me.
in never ending bliss.

ThAnk God for you. If not it will only be me, my bolster, my pills, my bottle of water and my box of TISSUES. Being sick is no fun. But its not any funnier that ya gotta drag someone down together with me.

But. Thank God you were there.

alvin foong don't u dare delete that entry. u have every right to say what you want to say and i didn't get offended at all if that's what you're worried about. and remember I said i blogged yesterday and it got deleted, i'll try and summarise it in this entry and not deprive you of what I wanted to tell you,but couldn't tell u in the face today.
anyway, i wanted to say that my family isn't that dysfunctional. i've got loving parents and a pesky little brother any elder sibling would have (and i wonder whether you should consider that a privilege sometimes to not be the only child of the family) and you know, for instance, instead of chicken essence on the table, my mother would leave a small post it in my wallet with "study hard babe!", or an sms with "Pay attention in class!" when I sms her about something. My mother cares, she just does it differently from your mum. =) my dad on the other hand, is more reserved when it comes to showing affection. he chooses to show it through material goods, such as getting a 600 dollar gadget for my brother on his birthday or a pair of 250 dollar heelys for my brother which he only made use for 2-3 mths. He spends extravagantly on us, despite our not-so-colourful financial status, and yet doesn't complain when we do not make full use of what he buys. He pampers us too much sometimes. He's not good with expressing his feelings in words, and I respect him for that. (: my brother, can be both sweet at times and a real monster on other times. grr, sometimes you'll feel like hugging him so tight and ruffling his hair, while other times you feel like throwing him into the bishan longkang. im serious. but at the end of the day, it's only human that you look past the bad times and remember the good times. i still love my family nonetheless, but they're not as perfect as others. haha, just make do with what I have I guess.
that's why I like going to your house and visiting your family, I get to feel some kinda warmth, from your mum, your dad, your sis. they show that they care! which is really sweet. and yah, everyone's so nice in your family! hahaha. yup. k, move on to another subject.
if that's the case, i shan't lend u my books anymore! thou shalt ne'er read sad books no more! but im glad u liked it, now I just need to get down to reading angels and demons, which i refuse to because I stopped somewhere in the middle of the beginning, then I won't know whether to start from the beginning or from where I left off. ah. GAH. phwoar! grr. nevermind. i miss guava. phwoar. need guava.
it's day 25 and counting. I need to see red. lol.
my hair's a living bush. black bush, that is. which grows by leaps and bounds daily. HELP ME. lol. im being spastic. i swear it's the studying. gah.

Alright. I feel sorry. I have half a mind to delete that entry. Who am i to write such words.

Gosh. Feeling all emotional right now. Thanks to The Clay Marble by Minfong Ho.



When the rain is falling
When the rice is growing
When the day is done
Then my little one, my lovely one,
Will come home to sleep- and dream.

Now my eyes feel itchy after all that tearing. Damn.

Why cant people be normal. Why cant families be like my family? Are people flawed to that extent? Isnt wanting the best for your family the most important? Imagine coming home everyday to ur wife and kids. Yea. It will turn a drab after 5 yrs or so But isnt that the point of raising a family the whole parcel of a "complete life"? I dont think hitting an obstacle, nevertheless a big one, entitles you to not coming home early just to see your kids. Working 7 day weeks which i think half of the time isnt exactly "work" either. Who the hell has so much work to do even! To show favouritism to your son and at the end of the day, isnt gonna make you very proud as your "under-achieving" daughter who in fact turns around and SNUBS u in the face by making it proud. Would you then swallow your pride and acknowledge her then? Funny. I think not. Sadly. Its a pity such pregrudges and outright hostility is just shown like that. "But i am showing Love." Yea right. Traumatised childhood i would say.

Sorry. Maybe i dont deserve to say all that. But its pretty frustrating to stand as a outsider and being unable to do anything or give any advice. After all, i am not part of them. How would my methods or advice help? Not very much i would say.

I am proud of my parents. My family. Really. I must admit they are a pair of bright folks. For both who under their own "family" circumstances only made it to 0 levels. Having a financial backgrd today does allow them to have certain kudos. Like my mum sticking all these long yrs at Motorola and finally getting her not-so-bad paying job now. Or my Dad paying for his own DEGREE in marketing while part-working. They do hav the spirit that we lack nowadays. All these while they had us. Me and my sister. Most people would have given up the educational line and get a job to support the family. But sumhow they managed. They managed in a sense to govern US to THEIR circumstances.

Governing us by keeping rather strict money control. But always being generous in overseas trips or chinese new year. Never allowing us to buy toys but yet there will be one new toy every year even if it was bought ONLY on "sale".

We never had strict curfews or groundings to begin with. They trusted us to do the right stuff such as "not going out on a wkday" or "be back before 12". These unwritten, unenforced curfews were practised by our own intiative. I guess its what we could do before feeling guilty.

They nv pressured us into studying Science or being a doctor. They allowed us to pursue our own choices but always supported them with words of advice. I guess tts why i am in my course now. There was never any objection. When i said "i want to try". They went "Go ahead. It's your choice". It was either this or business. When my sister graduated with a psychology degree, i could still rmb my parents asking my sister whether she was absolutely sure she wanted to choose that. She said yes. Somehow, without any restrictions or influences, me and my sis kinda took rather "beyond the norm" paths of career.

Why or how? We dont know. All we knew was that wherever we went, there will always be support behind us. That protective net we know we can fall back on if we failed. Maybe i am not someone of that status to say this. But my parents have done a marvelous job of parenting. Or at least thats what I feel. Putting the iron fist down but always having a softer sponge to clean up later. Nagging over the phone but leaving a Brand's essence on the table. Always complaining abt money but giving allowances on time.

Parenting is all about compromises. Wait. Isnt that wat marriage is about. Hangon. Let's take things to a bigger scale. Isnt LIFE like that? I love you Mum and Dad. I do. Just that i dont say it. Or dont seem to show it most of the time.

so sick so sick of being tired
and oh so tired of being sick
-taking back sunday


taking back sunday has beautiful lyrics. if you're not an emo fan, or basically, not a fan of theirs, just download their songs to listen to their lyrics. it's good enough. she says live up to your first impression, my best side was your worst invention. kay, enough of the free publicity.
what's with you. why can't you listen to your friend's opinions sometimes. don't act as if the whole world has to conform to your ideas and thinking baby. I don't hate you for that, but it'd be good if you realized and changed. it'd be better. life's getting pretty meaningless. everything im working hard for is without a meaning. i gave up on the song writing, gave up on the physics, gave up on the communication breakdown between you and me, gave up on eating my dinner before 730pm and eating my multi-vits in the day. life isnt perfect but it's about working towards perfection, and sometimes that process can get pretty damn tiring.
thanks atee for helping me check on my phone today. don't think you'll read this, but it was nice to know today morning that you actually went to help me check, when even worse still, i was late. i realized people are going to hate me for polluting alvin's blog with rubbish. haha, i'll like delete it when i get down to getting my own blog. it'll probably be the last entry here by me anyway since im pretty much stuck with studying for my O lvels from next week onwards. shall go read the teens issue that anderson jc gave in the goodie bag today. byebye!

HELLO!!!! i just ran from my house to alvin's! ahahaha and im dead tired but it's alright because mrsalvin'smother's showering me with lots of food. HURHURHUR. which means i will not be tired no more. and i lost my way along the way here. U(O@ME()@# (E&!@. but i found it in the end in one piece. hohoho.

DOWN WITH O LVLS. I TELL U. DOWN DOWN DOWN WITH IT.
k bye. =)
peace.
p/s: i typed this solely with two index fingers. which most people cannot do. HAHAHAHA. and it took me less than 2 mins to type this im quite sure. come challenge my typing speed. :D

Dang. I am 2 days late. Ah hell. For the umpteen time, happy bdae gal. :)
Hey i did enough! On birthday eve, birthday, and boxing day. I think tt warants something yes? There can nv be enough pressies for u. :P

Well. Going to hav my presentation for final yr proj in...2.44am + 12hrs/15mins. Do the maths. Well. 3 mths of shit and 4 days of interrupted slping times for concrete work. Wait. Add 3 more nights of shooting till 5AM. Plus weeks of prep.
All for a piece of work that i cant even show my future boss without having to lug a
laptop for my showreel. Retard.

You know what the best part is? I have to go through the same shit different day nxt mon. bye bye hols.

Life is about hit and misses. But how often do you hit AND miss?

i have concluded. After a week long of thrashy commercial-styled rubbish playing. Saturday morning radio is the best. No doubt bout tt.

And yes baby. I DO miss you. No matter hw nonchantlant i may be.

Close my eyes and pray to god.
That ya will be right beside me when i open them.

Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.

You can never hate God.

You may hate his house. You may hate his practices and rites. You may hate his believers in all their overly-enthuiastically attempts in bringing u in. You may hate at how Churches have been becoming richer and richer. You may hate the fact that its ironic such believers preach but never do. You may scoff at how people donate week after week such hefty sums of money. You may feel the very "fake" mentality that people put on every sunday infront of their fellow believers. You may question the fact that its all a sham that people "believe" so that they have a "helping hand" in times of need.

But you can never hate God.

Why? Because in times of need you do find yourself asking for assistance. Be it asking people or kissing your lucky stone or bringing that 10yr old pen that never fails to give you the grades. You want to believe in God because he is featured in a light that always seem so welcoming. You find yourself somehow contented by the fact that "he" created you into this place even though there may be a overloading of science and facts to say otherwise. You find yourself praying in your most desperate hour, be it in war or famine.

So if you ask me. God believes in me and i am to him. "Its something like a shortcut from everything else. lol."
I like personal faith. Do you?

The genuis of a hole: you can spend all that time climbing out when it takes a second to fall back in.

"i will always be fond of you".

LOL.

what did that turn into.

back from blog hiatus~
sorry guys. Had the "i dont feel like clicking on www.blogger.com" mood. Filming is good so far. Not bad shots and all. Hope it really comes out right. Ya got our support Din! hah. Guess attachment taught me stuff like hw to act during productions and hw to act my role only. Thanks serene! *director* Those few words were kinda helpful.
...rar... Mindless blogging again. but there is really nothing to say! Xcept tt Shin passed his driving! YaY! no more walking from dohby ghaut anymore. ha. And we can eat other things other then prata at nites! ho ho.

Been havign a really bad sorethroat. Top it up with fever and flu on and off. Irritating. been going on for 2wks nw. And yes. I am still keeping to my promise till i get better. :p Its been gd so far? Heh. First time missing someone so much before. Tt funny feeling in the tummy. ha. Fun fun.
i cld smother you with kisses nw.

Dont worry Mok. i havent forgotten you yet. Tt goes the same for you Mr Wafflehead.

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (63%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness (16%) very low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Extraversion (56%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

trait snapshot:

messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic


HA. I like the 2 words that are 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 8, 6,
7th row from the left 2nd and 3rd.

Lol.

And yes. You make me smile.

Ticklish feelings fill my tummy.
The taste in my mouth all so yummy.
Thinking of stuff never been so funny.
Tinkering with my nose until its all runny.
Typing this down because you get me feeling grinny!

On the magical note of August 14th 12:05am, something happened.

Which is going to surprise someone so so much.

how many months was it? 6 mths. And i am feeling the pain all over again.

Key issues: Creatively expressing feeling, empathy, and imagination; experiencing oneness and interconnectedness without losing personal identity.

Key qualities: fluid, malleable, receptive, all-inclusive sympathy.

Your nonjudgemental, all-inclusive, sympathetic understanding of others is one of your primary gifts to the world. Your ability to listen and to uncritically accept draws others to you. You are attracted to or identified with the underdogs, the rejects or broken ones, those who are in need. Easily moved by emotion and pity, you have few rigid rules, boundaries, or absolutes. At times, and especially while young, you may have a weak or confused sense of self, as you absorb others' energies quite easily. You shift chameleon-like, according to your company and surroundings, and a place to withdraw to protect yourself from being overwhelmed by more dominating energies is necessary for you from time to time. Because of your fluid sense of self, you may enjoy trying on or shifting your persona, playing out different parts at different parts times, and not fully identifying yourself with any of them. You naturally possess a certain detachment from the small, narrow ego-self and much of the competitiveness and pettiness in the world which is based on it.

hmm. Its funny that a whole paragraph can say so much bout a person. Words can be powerful.

"i love you as a friend".

Jubilation yet anguish breeched the floodgates and bursted the dam. I am happy for the friendship but sad for the courtship.
But like you said. Its a point that we, or rather me, had to cross. Well it isnt so bad. At least i can look at you with a clear mind now.

Well met the malay dudes 2 nights back. After having dinner and taking photographs for the Ecity compeition, i headed back with Erwan being him staying at braddell and me at toa payoh. We had a 1hr half+ talk? Not that we are gaying or anything. lol.
But somehow i have the feeling that i will be attending this dude's wedding and through him the other malay dudes. Maybe its because we see things on the same lvl and angles. Its nice to know i have a good friend in poly. Most i know are aquiantances and are still am. Pretty sad.

Talking to him sure got me in touch with what is happening in sch. Interesting to know how many of my friends are going through a tough time now. It should all be over in 2 weeks i guess for them. haha being at work really cuts you off from everything else. Suddenly my classmates seem as far away as the chicks and dudes i meet at clubbing.

As much as i want to help, i realised i can't. People might see it as i am intruding their group space or being nosey. It saddening to see help being "seen" by this way. So i concluded. Why help when it is not needed? Maybe thats the best policy i should adapt.

It sure is amusing to know that petty differences and out right displeasure is still being shown. Amusing as we being adults should know better. Maybe some people just cant grow up.

I kept my distance. Like i chose to work with you. We drew lots. It was fair. Frankly, i just did my job and shut the hell up when it was your turn. So why are you still giving me that fucked up "i am friendly with you" and "i hate you when i am not around" attitude? well. FUCK u. I will show my displeasure, but i will not go all out to face your displeasure. Frankly, i know i am vocal and wont just sit there and face such attitude. *It seems we are different on this erwan. LOL.*

My dad always tells me. Never make enemies. For you dont know when he might be your boss. And he did give me a few examples he came across. ANd i am talking about CEO positions and shit like that. As much as i find this true, i cant change the fact on how other people think abt me now can i? Everyone has "i am like this. Its either you can stand it or not" in a freaking group. What the fuck happened to words like "compromise" or "adaptability"????

Hell, thats wat 1/4 of my class is made of. ANd dont tell me it aint true. Because it is.

A late night was spent on the bed. Corinne May was the only company followed by the bolster. The mood was set after spending 2 hrs on the phone. Time passes very fast when enjoyable conversations are being held. But when even the "best friend" is unsure. It suddenly becomes a whole new lvl.

He becomes doubtful, tries to squash the feelings that he always knew were wrong. It usually tears him inside out but still shoulders on due to his commitment to another close one. He doesnt know whether to allow the manifestation to multiply or simply strive to quell it.

All he knows is that his heart is not follow his head. Some say choose one. But what if both are equally painful. Is he just meant to go through this?

Equally confusing is the fact that he feels different this time. With all his past experiences and encounters, this time round is entirely unique. He welcomes change but yet feel weird abt change. Is it good? or bad?

But he knows one thing. That his thirst of companionship is being quenched. Its only the matter of the uncertainty and the fear of the "other side" which leaves him thinking: Is this spring truly going to stay or is it just a aphrodisiac?

ok. To dispel any rumours or people having blur visions.
I was on My Sassy Neighbour ep6 as the "ringit" boy. :)

I suddenly had a clear picture of why i having this liking of IJ convent girls. haha this has gone a long way back since my sec days... Let's just say this sudden rememberence was sparked of by this IJ lady i saw today.

I realised that what I like them for was that beneath that demure and pretty outlook, there laid a sharp and somewhat brighter mind which could sharpen and think on its own on a reasonably academic level. Throw in the fact that half of the damn sch is sporty and we all know how guys have this thing for a tanned. sporty. lady. Frankly, they know when to be coy and the next minute outright bitchy but yet are still the very girl(not yet a lady) that they are. I view them as smart and intellectual equals.

Maybe thats why i always enjoyed conversations with them. Perharps i speak too generally and have not met the way different ones that other people have come across. Yea. i have seen the uber slutty or the damn bitchy cat strutting her stuff across anyone who has crossed her path. But in general? The picture or stats that comes back has rather high ratings i reckon.

Cheers. To the Convent ladies that i have known, gawked at, admired and lastly. Have made friends to.. And that includes my sister. ;)

Its really funny when you see a caucasian man speeding past you, standing on his bike whilst riding, cuts through 4 lanes, and right into his office carpark. All in the span of 5s. I was like. LOL.

Here i am in office. Bleary-eyed,still feeling for my bolster,listening to the damn britney spears on radio,having a dang headache. Welcome to a day of work.

Pain is an illusion of the senses. Despair an illusion of the mind.

Ok.
Step one: Go pls.

http://www.starhub.com/cabletv/promotionsandevents/eCity/

Step two: VOTE pls. "buggers"

Step three: Repeat the following steps as many times as possible.

haha thanks for doing this...i am ASSUMING u did. Its done by me and 4 fellows malay brothers.. The voted team might get cash so..do ourselves and favour by helping me ya? LOL. THANKS AGAIN. (i am still assuming.)

FUCK MY FUCKING ROUTER.......FUCK FUCK FUCK.
ok. I HAD to get that off my chest..lest the neighbours think i go mad or something..This past few days have resulted in me being a jerkass and all..sorry u. Sorry for all the worry and slpness nights i caused u. i kinda sorted out my thinking. And yea. It was painful. Guess it was the companionship that i really craved. having only U as my ONLY sms bud, phone bud and talking bud really sums up everything..I seriously dont talk to anyone xcept u. Not that i am scaring u or anything.

Its fucked really. I am just sick of taking the intiative. Let people call if they want to find me. Let people call if they want to talk. I am always the "chap" whu remembers and gives ppl gifts. I dont see them coming back. I nv see people sharing things with me while i am always offering. I hate calling people and see my phone silent a whole damn day. More like everyday.

Fuck this.
From now on, If people remember me? Gd for me.

shit. my mind's a blank. You dont wake up and read messenges like that at 340 in the morning. Nw i cant slp.

I cried for 2 women in my life. You were the third.

L.O.S.T.

Go watch it. I am for once. Speechless.

Gosh i am so damn slpy! 2pm on a friday afternoon at work. Lolx.
Yes people..i am on attachment...work so far...well its been pretty fun, if not slack..on top of the fact that my boss is leaving for japan..."workless/underdeamning" days ahead of me i forsee..and that is NOT GOOD. I truly am interested to learn from the gosus and pros...i had a small taste on a day's of shooting and am hungry for more! oh well...lets hope there is something for me to learn...

Well shooting is...fun. Haha..though all the stress and mass homework u gotta put in before and after...its the "Actual" filming that i truly enjoy and strife on...Although i don't look at myself as the nxt royston tan in the making, maybe someday...lolx..
*slaps face* "wake up ALvin! At the current grades u are going to end up making Mariache movies for the spannish video market!"

Bah...what matters is the passion...well..time to find that passion. LOL.

I aint ready. Sorry for taking so long but yea...some distance wld be good.. layering the hole with pretty dang good cement but its not finished..Ah well..it still needs time to dry.

Pretty sappy entries of late huh..Cant help it i guess...Its always the time and surrounding that makes me pretty moody i guess..Plus life is pretty flat line now.

THERE IS NO ENTERTAINMENT in my hse watsoever. Bored out of my freaking mind...PS2 going home today, Com's down(besides net), no new movies. Guess this explains y i spend so much time at my second home. Not good. Shall cut dwn...Dun wanna become like another freeloader by the name of "Gabriel". :P

I need a camcorder. Have so many ideas in my head that doesnt seem right just to use the huge cam for...Cannes! here i come! lolx. Shall wait for my 2nd mth paycheck i guess...First mth's shall go towards the fucking com that has bugged me for eons... Cant even use photoshop. Now that is a pain.

Ok this is mindless ranting. haha..I shall go swim tml morning. Like 800 before work! Embark on my healthy lifestyle mission and keep my mind of the other demons like depression and nagging need for companionship.

Well hudha. I really didnt expect that blog entry. Actually, i nv really expected anyone to write or even bother bout me? xcept for dear Rachie chen lol. Hell..even moi ex-gf didnt give 2-hoots bout me or even such a lengthy entry!

Irony isnt it? I tend to see things as an optimist. But am pulled back down by pessimistic thinking. Go figure. Cos i can't. Guess i kinda have the same concept as Aurelia. Lets hope she doesnt see this...:P

Standing up and facing the world is one thing. Finding out who you really are is another. Facing the world is easy. Just put on the fake smile, step out that door, and wave to everyone you see. result: Friendly warmth and socialble person. In truth? who knows. Its all a facade. A sham. And when u be yourself amongst your most trusted people? you still get brought down by scathing and snide remarks. So it results to the point of you don't even know who to become anymore.

I guess i kinda know my flaws and my strenghts. But its just that whatever i do in life, its the flaws that come through. Never the strenghts. I guess the optimism comes out through my mouth and goes back in pessimistically thru my arse... Sighz...I just wanna do something that I, Myself, thyself, Ownself, Self-self, can be proud of. I guess this is the time to knock Alvin's head and scream at him "Go DO IT LAH!" Hmm..my green wall looks inviting..

Gosh i sure am lonely.

Everyone tells me its alright. Its over. Don't think about it.







But its not.
Its not alright when u hand in a crappy piece of work which u had a chance to make it right.

Its not over when it comes around and bites u in the arse when u realised u have nothing but crap for your showreel.

I can't STOP thinking abt something which i am absolutely not happy about.

Feeling sorry for oneself just doesn't cut it. Its more like....a more low and dark feeling. A feeling that would make you yell at ur girlfriend or just give "the" face to your mum and friends. Makes you question alot of things. Like why am i here? Is this what i was meant to do? Why do i suck at stuff i do?

Maybe the only thing that was meant for me to do is...nothing...

well..the page has turned and the only thing that greets me is a blank hard book cover. As i frantically try to look for words or even a page no, it dawns on me that its finished. No amt of peering or squinting will make any words jump out from that blank piece of embossed cover. A bitter feeling comes to mind. When the book as so deliciously tantalizing and so ever fulfiling comes to an end, U cant help but lambast and berate yourself for not seeing it coming.

I guess the only thing to do now is put the book down and skive off reading for awhile. Xcept...if there might be another book that i might be interested to read comes along?

I will gladly pick that book up with a cuppa tea and all the eagerness in the world.

Till then? I can only sit forlornly by my window and watch the clouds go by.



Its 4am. I have to film my short film later. Fuck.







Ah well..at least i will be early for my sunrise shoot!

"Storm's coming Ani, better get indoors"
Whoever can guess where this came from gets a ice cream treat from me!

i dont think u care
about all my flowers and candy
about all my love and sweet kisses
cause tonight's the night
I will burn all those memories
till they turn to dust
I dont think u care
that i cry your eyes red
cause today's the day

Your hand breaks free of mine
and i walk alone down this path
do i think u care?
cause really, i dont.

Go figure. because i never understood.

I did compose a short song for you.

Lets hear it before i destroy it.

When the dark clouds come,
and there's no safe place.
Don't be scared, cos here i am, to chase them away.

Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Rachel....
Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful...Beautiful Rachel.....

As you sleep at night,
feeling cold and scared.
Here i am, to hold your head, in my arms.

Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Rachel....
Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful...Beautiful Rachel.....

When the sun comes up,
so does your huge smile.
Big and wide, warm and nice, like your heart.

Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Rachel....
Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful...Beautiful Rachel.....

Relationships are the least priority in my life.

I cried for you once. I shall not do so again.



Once again, happy 19th Bdae Alvin Foong.

Words cannot express what i am feeling now.
To say its indescrible wld be a lie as no feeling is indescrible. But rather, its made up of many feelings that are mixed in a melting hot pot.All these feelings mixed together, complied with the constant stirring to blend everything.
The result? A rather blank expression on the face but a contortion of facts, feelings and hungriness within.
Read between the lines and u wld find not only 1 line but a tangible mess of messy broken lines flowing out from within.
Seeking solitude hasnt done much good at all. Solace in bliss turned out to be an unleashment of the vile and vicious creature. The Mind. It just gnaws and tears out your concience. It even bares open your essense of life so much so that even the slightest reason to smile just goes right out the window.

Negative withdrawal just fills you faster then you could say "gramaphone".

It filled me. Happy bdae 19th Alvin.

RAWR!!! seems that it is another case of i typed out everything and IE crashes...lolx
well..recap..sorrie for the "2 times per mth" blogging frequency guys..haha
always having mind blocks everytime this posting page loads up. I just realised that for the first time in my life, i can see the unsurmountable pile of work that lays in front of me. And what would sum describe as a virgin experience, i am going to do Pre-Production work..(before work "work") yes my friends..i am going to DO tt...

Am a slacker, Always a slacker, Die a slacker.
Alvin Foong 2005

Bright sunny day with a soccer appointment which i am supposed to go..i really really REALLY shld start exercising..i guess i dont really like doing that alone..its so..boring? ha..exercising shld be fun i reckon..not just..i go down to swim 20 laps and go home! tt plain sucks if u ask me...(sorrie cel) lolx...

Another fact i learned from FHM mag this mth..Atoms living in us? 1 of them would proberly belonged to a famous being...say, Einstein, Shakespeare etc...haha! Maybe tts y i am blogging..my shakespearean atom is acting up again!

Shall be going back to do hsehold chores which i had abandoned (think dusty vacuum cleaner on the floor and a leaf floats by) for the greater pleasures of blogging and the electrifying warmth that i get when i type out this words...tata!

well..a week has past.Today's class was different. We learnt acting. And not just norm acting, but acting from the grand mastro himself Lim Yu Beng! yea..pretty kewl chap with a hearty laugh and a american accent with singaporean twangled inbetween..lol..Acting is..kinda fun i guess? being able to bring out emotions and potray them in ur own individualistic way that no one can ever replicate.

But if u ask me? i feel that acting, though artistic, is a huge lie. Actors are just fake personas that just bluff out their scenes. Most of them would never experienced what they are acting maybe for 5 lifetimes! haha...in turn, the audience gets misled by the real thing and then relate to: "we can nv understand them!" e.g..psychos, murderers etc...shame though...it was great fun having acting class! maybe i wld sign up and discover what is true acting!

past week has been crap. Suddenly realised i am not the "listener" i used to be. Forgetting people, the things that are impt to them, even neglacting resposibilities i have to uphold and do. Pretty fucked u might say...plus all the work i have to hand up TML, THE NEXT DAY, AND THE NeXT neXT DAY. This 3 days is gonna be a pretty rough ride. I am getting close to breaking point, and i havent even started!
*augish wail*

Just wanna lie down on a nice British grassy field and look into the endless cloudy infinite sky. (yes they do have it there and its FUCKING nice...the particular field that i lied on was at Shakespeare's cottage.) oh yes...Rach must be beside me too! hehx..

I received a sms today..it goes like this..
we clap our hands
and love alvin
we clap our hands
and love alvin
love, love, love,
love...Alvin!
love, love, love,
love...Alvin!


haha...thnx darl..tt basically lit up my face like a dang christmas tree...lolx..
and a tribute to Dion Xu kexin..whu forever immortalized the "hopping" song..cheers!
wat ya say YEP thailand peeps?

Why do i feel like a fool? That feeling of feeling extremely stupid and unappreciated comes to mind. Maybe its just one time or forgiveble. I do forgive. But why do i mind the matter so much? I guess its cos i put in so much effort in that 1 gift that i have never made for anyone in my 18 years of life. And what do i get in return? A choice of random gifts that were obviously meant for other people.

So tell me? is it wrong to feel like crap? i think not.