The slience is deafening. So loud that I jus wanna scream right back at it. But i cant. Because what comes out of my huge desperate mouth is nothing. No words. Its as though I jus swallowed my voice-box and all that is coming out are guttural inaudible sounds. The animal in me is anxious enough to rip out of my body and spill my sloppy guts all over the floor. But he cant. I cant communicate even though both sides of my brain is screaming for me to do something. Its when all conflicting views and points of the matter jus reaches that point of meeting and simutaneously combust into nothing. You were expecting a big bang quiaff?

Neg. Somehow nothing emerges from it. As much as i try to do otherwise. I try my best to cope with the slience and the ever mounting wall that seems to surpress me no matter how hard i try to scale it. Its almost like an indomintable fortress. Where inside holds the only soul that i hav been trying to understand for 3 years. Navigating past obstacles only brought me so far. Now i stand before the wall and nothing i do will penetrate it. There is no noise from the otherside. Only slience. And the reassurances that i receive continuously and almost mechanically.

Nevertheless. I can see the wall breaking. Slowly, as it ever will take, but surely.
I am close to the point of unsureness and not-knowing-wat-to-do-anymore. Patience was never mine to tame. Neither has it been unrelentless on me. With my ever present sickness and increasing withdrawal from the other world, i keep asking myself on the persistence of the task at hand. Is it worth it? Abandoning all other thoughts and task? Constantly thinking abt it and nothing else? Knowing its my fault yet i am helpless to do anything about.
I prayed the other day. Hard. Begging forgiveness and seeking redemption for what i did to you. Hoping that everything wld be alright. You are right. I never was scared. I nv understood. I think i am begining to now. I think i try to step into ur shoes. I know u are facing alot right now. But. Would it so much hurt as to even ask me for help?

I always am here and hav never gone anywhere. Neither wld i want to go anywhere because its my choice.


All i ask.
For one simple thing.
Is to hold my hand.
and fly with me.

To up and beyond.
away from the troubles.
Just you and me.
in never ending bliss.