To say i am happy wld be an understatement. I am thorougly EXCITED! Gosh. I was only this excited and happy only when i went to Disneyland Florida back then! HA. I am in my own state of Euphoria! Gosh. i cant wait. Just another ten more hours. To you. :)

The slience is deafening. So loud that I jus wanna scream right back at it. But i cant. Because what comes out of my huge desperate mouth is nothing. No words. Its as though I jus swallowed my voice-box and all that is coming out are guttural inaudible sounds. The animal in me is anxious enough to rip out of my body and spill my sloppy guts all over the floor. But he cant. I cant communicate even though both sides of my brain is screaming for me to do something. Its when all conflicting views and points of the matter jus reaches that point of meeting and simutaneously combust into nothing. You were expecting a big bang quiaff?

Neg. Somehow nothing emerges from it. As much as i try to do otherwise. I try my best to cope with the slience and the ever mounting wall that seems to surpress me no matter how hard i try to scale it. Its almost like an indomintable fortress. Where inside holds the only soul that i hav been trying to understand for 3 years. Navigating past obstacles only brought me so far. Now i stand before the wall and nothing i do will penetrate it. There is no noise from the otherside. Only slience. And the reassurances that i receive continuously and almost mechanically.

Nevertheless. I can see the wall breaking. Slowly, as it ever will take, but surely.
I am close to the point of unsureness and not-knowing-wat-to-do-anymore. Patience was never mine to tame. Neither has it been unrelentless on me. With my ever present sickness and increasing withdrawal from the other world, i keep asking myself on the persistence of the task at hand. Is it worth it? Abandoning all other thoughts and task? Constantly thinking abt it and nothing else? Knowing its my fault yet i am helpless to do anything about.
I prayed the other day. Hard. Begging forgiveness and seeking redemption for what i did to you. Hoping that everything wld be alright. You are right. I never was scared. I nv understood. I think i am begining to now. I think i try to step into ur shoes. I know u are facing alot right now. But. Would it so much hurt as to even ask me for help?

I always am here and hav never gone anywhere. Neither wld i want to go anywhere because its my choice.


All i ask.
For one simple thing.
Is to hold my hand.
and fly with me.

To up and beyond.
away from the troubles.
Just you and me.
in never ending bliss.

ThAnk God for you. If not it will only be me, my bolster, my pills, my bottle of water and my box of TISSUES. Being sick is no fun. But its not any funnier that ya gotta drag someone down together with me.

But. Thank God you were there.

alvin foong don't u dare delete that entry. u have every right to say what you want to say and i didn't get offended at all if that's what you're worried about. and remember I said i blogged yesterday and it got deleted, i'll try and summarise it in this entry and not deprive you of what I wanted to tell you,but couldn't tell u in the face today.
anyway, i wanted to say that my family isn't that dysfunctional. i've got loving parents and a pesky little brother any elder sibling would have (and i wonder whether you should consider that a privilege sometimes to not be the only child of the family) and you know, for instance, instead of chicken essence on the table, my mother would leave a small post it in my wallet with "study hard babe!", or an sms with "Pay attention in class!" when I sms her about something. My mother cares, she just does it differently from your mum. =) my dad on the other hand, is more reserved when it comes to showing affection. he chooses to show it through material goods, such as getting a 600 dollar gadget for my brother on his birthday or a pair of 250 dollar heelys for my brother which he only made use for 2-3 mths. He spends extravagantly on us, despite our not-so-colourful financial status, and yet doesn't complain when we do not make full use of what he buys. He pampers us too much sometimes. He's not good with expressing his feelings in words, and I respect him for that. (: my brother, can be both sweet at times and a real monster on other times. grr, sometimes you'll feel like hugging him so tight and ruffling his hair, while other times you feel like throwing him into the bishan longkang. im serious. but at the end of the day, it's only human that you look past the bad times and remember the good times. i still love my family nonetheless, but they're not as perfect as others. haha, just make do with what I have I guess.
that's why I like going to your house and visiting your family, I get to feel some kinda warmth, from your mum, your dad, your sis. they show that they care! which is really sweet. and yah, everyone's so nice in your family! hahaha. yup. k, move on to another subject.
if that's the case, i shan't lend u my books anymore! thou shalt ne'er read sad books no more! but im glad u liked it, now I just need to get down to reading angels and demons, which i refuse to because I stopped somewhere in the middle of the beginning, then I won't know whether to start from the beginning or from where I left off. ah. GAH. phwoar! grr. nevermind. i miss guava. phwoar. need guava.
it's day 25 and counting. I need to see red. lol.
my hair's a living bush. black bush, that is. which grows by leaps and bounds daily. HELP ME. lol. im being spastic. i swear it's the studying. gah.

Alright. I feel sorry. I have half a mind to delete that entry. Who am i to write such words.

Gosh. Feeling all emotional right now. Thanks to The Clay Marble by Minfong Ho.



When the rain is falling
When the rice is growing
When the day is done
Then my little one, my lovely one,
Will come home to sleep- and dream.

Now my eyes feel itchy after all that tearing. Damn.

Why cant people be normal. Why cant families be like my family? Are people flawed to that extent? Isnt wanting the best for your family the most important? Imagine coming home everyday to ur wife and kids. Yea. It will turn a drab after 5 yrs or so But isnt that the point of raising a family the whole parcel of a "complete life"? I dont think hitting an obstacle, nevertheless a big one, entitles you to not coming home early just to see your kids. Working 7 day weeks which i think half of the time isnt exactly "work" either. Who the hell has so much work to do even! To show favouritism to your son and at the end of the day, isnt gonna make you very proud as your "under-achieving" daughter who in fact turns around and SNUBS u in the face by making it proud. Would you then swallow your pride and acknowledge her then? Funny. I think not. Sadly. Its a pity such pregrudges and outright hostility is just shown like that. "But i am showing Love." Yea right. Traumatised childhood i would say.

Sorry. Maybe i dont deserve to say all that. But its pretty frustrating to stand as a outsider and being unable to do anything or give any advice. After all, i am not part of them. How would my methods or advice help? Not very much i would say.

I am proud of my parents. My family. Really. I must admit they are a pair of bright folks. For both who under their own "family" circumstances only made it to 0 levels. Having a financial backgrd today does allow them to have certain kudos. Like my mum sticking all these long yrs at Motorola and finally getting her not-so-bad paying job now. Or my Dad paying for his own DEGREE in marketing while part-working. They do hav the spirit that we lack nowadays. All these while they had us. Me and my sister. Most people would have given up the educational line and get a job to support the family. But sumhow they managed. They managed in a sense to govern US to THEIR circumstances.

Governing us by keeping rather strict money control. But always being generous in overseas trips or chinese new year. Never allowing us to buy toys but yet there will be one new toy every year even if it was bought ONLY on "sale".

We never had strict curfews or groundings to begin with. They trusted us to do the right stuff such as "not going out on a wkday" or "be back before 12". These unwritten, unenforced curfews were practised by our own intiative. I guess its what we could do before feeling guilty.

They nv pressured us into studying Science or being a doctor. They allowed us to pursue our own choices but always supported them with words of advice. I guess tts why i am in my course now. There was never any objection. When i said "i want to try". They went "Go ahead. It's your choice". It was either this or business. When my sister graduated with a psychology degree, i could still rmb my parents asking my sister whether she was absolutely sure she wanted to choose that. She said yes. Somehow, without any restrictions or influences, me and my sis kinda took rather "beyond the norm" paths of career.

Why or how? We dont know. All we knew was that wherever we went, there will always be support behind us. That protective net we know we can fall back on if we failed. Maybe i am not someone of that status to say this. But my parents have done a marvelous job of parenting. Or at least thats what I feel. Putting the iron fist down but always having a softer sponge to clean up later. Nagging over the phone but leaving a Brand's essence on the table. Always complaining abt money but giving allowances on time.

Parenting is all about compromises. Wait. Isnt that wat marriage is about. Hangon. Let's take things to a bigger scale. Isnt LIFE like that? I love you Mum and Dad. I do. Just that i dont say it. Or dont seem to show it most of the time.

so sick so sick of being tired
and oh so tired of being sick
-taking back sunday


taking back sunday has beautiful lyrics. if you're not an emo fan, or basically, not a fan of theirs, just download their songs to listen to their lyrics. it's good enough. she says live up to your first impression, my best side was your worst invention. kay, enough of the free publicity.
what's with you. why can't you listen to your friend's opinions sometimes. don't act as if the whole world has to conform to your ideas and thinking baby. I don't hate you for that, but it'd be good if you realized and changed. it'd be better. life's getting pretty meaningless. everything im working hard for is without a meaning. i gave up on the song writing, gave up on the physics, gave up on the communication breakdown between you and me, gave up on eating my dinner before 730pm and eating my multi-vits in the day. life isnt perfect but it's about working towards perfection, and sometimes that process can get pretty damn tiring.
thanks atee for helping me check on my phone today. don't think you'll read this, but it was nice to know today morning that you actually went to help me check, when even worse still, i was late. i realized people are going to hate me for polluting alvin's blog with rubbish. haha, i'll like delete it when i get down to getting my own blog. it'll probably be the last entry here by me anyway since im pretty much stuck with studying for my O lvels from next week onwards. shall go read the teens issue that anderson jc gave in the goodie bag today. byebye!

HELLO!!!! i just ran from my house to alvin's! ahahaha and im dead tired but it's alright because mrsalvin'smother's showering me with lots of food. HURHURHUR. which means i will not be tired no more. and i lost my way along the way here. U(O@ME()@# (E&!@. but i found it in the end in one piece. hohoho.

DOWN WITH O LVLS. I TELL U. DOWN DOWN DOWN WITH IT.
k bye. =)
peace.
p/s: i typed this solely with two index fingers. which most people cannot do. HAHAHAHA. and it took me less than 2 mins to type this im quite sure. come challenge my typing speed. :D

Dang. I am 2 days late. Ah hell. For the umpteen time, happy bdae gal. :)
Hey i did enough! On birthday eve, birthday, and boxing day. I think tt warants something yes? There can nv be enough pressies for u. :P

Well. Going to hav my presentation for final yr proj in...2.44am + 12hrs/15mins. Do the maths. Well. 3 mths of shit and 4 days of interrupted slping times for concrete work. Wait. Add 3 more nights of shooting till 5AM. Plus weeks of prep.
All for a piece of work that i cant even show my future boss without having to lug a
laptop for my showreel. Retard.

You know what the best part is? I have to go through the same shit different day nxt mon. bye bye hols.

Life is about hit and misses. But how often do you hit AND miss?