WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four was just..thought-provoking. I shall retreat into my room and recover. Lest i Doublethink and do the unthinkable of thoughtcrime. Newspeak is the proper way now. Forget the oldspeak.

sighs. troubles aplenty.


But solve thems we must.

You know. I am jus really sick and tired of the whole thing. And this isnt good. I have been trying to blow into the sails and holding the ropes steadfastly. But the ship just doesnt want to move nor reciprocrate. It is how do they say it.."Knock the winds out of my sails". It just plain sucks when one just doesnt respond back. Or questions "how" to. Its really hard to act "normal" when everything is plainly not.


I don't wish to be in trouble. Fuck.

I feel neglected. Like a old soft toy cast aside at one corner of the bed. Picked up to be cleaned and used only when there are guests in the house. Its no fun having and experiencing such feelings. Like i can drop everything in an instant just to do stuff but i don't seem to get reciprocration back. Like its unappreciated or worst still.


Expected.


I dont mind doing it actually. It being rather fun and meaningful. I do seek words of encouragement or thoughtful actions that are done for me. I do crave for a hug instead of me always giving them. I do wish that i get to eat sausages and eggs almost every week. I do wish that i am around you more often. Maybe i am asking too much. Or maybe i am making groundless statements. Maybe i shld just shut up and continue on. Maybe.


Its funny that how two can just have nothing to say suddenly. Like one is suddenly just tired of the whole thing. If thats the case in such short time, what about 20yr old marriages? I assume 3/4 of the marriages out there are pretty short on conversations xcept on the basics like kids, work, house, car. So its, "i carry on because of my kids." or "I carry on because its been so long already. Never MIND la." Does that mean they absolutely stop talking already? That topics are so exhausted tt there is absoutely nothing to talk about? Then what about the "oldness". dont they just get bloody sick of one another? So bored with each another? How do they overcome that? My friend wld say, "This is relationship". Which doesnt really explain much but makes a hell lot of sense at the same time.


This is almost the same with the last one. Around the same duration too. Is it me? Am i just too boring or what. Sure i dont wake-board or fly off to the alps for skiing during dec hols. I just bum around and work. Yeah. Work is a major factor on "free" time. Which i dont get alot. End of this month is another job that is a fucking 6 day wk. With my only rest day on a Friday. Sighz. All for the bacon, and of course experience. Plus i know house comm and school isnt exactly very slack either. Not that we can help it. But as was said, "Got to make free time lor." Yea. but making free time means not seeing friends. Now thats clearly impossible to do. Frankly. Its not anybody fault. As what was said, "We got to put in effort." But what is effort? How do u define or rate effort by everybody? Everyone's standard is different. Compromise? I believe its more of a mutual understanding between two people. How much u can give or take. How much you can expect out of this.


I am really optimistic abt the future. Why worry about the unknown future when you have the present to enjoy! To ask unanswerable questions like "why" or "how" is like swimming in the ocean to try and reach the sun in the horizon. Why let such questions ruin the time that you can spend wisely and meaningfully which will in turn bring happy memories! Thats why i always found it useless to ponder and retrospect on the future. And i do believe that: What we do now makes the difference.


This isnt a "i cant talk to you" or "lets break up" note. Its more of an expression of my pent-up feelings. As you may know, i dont usually talk about such stuff. Though i am talkative when the situation calls for, whenever it comes to this, i just go blah. I am certainly no SNAG or any stuck-up MCP but just a little boy who believe in respecting and speaking for the lady. I believe in holding the door for her and if so, carry her across huge impassable puddles(putting the expensive adidas sweater on the floor is not an option). I believe in caring to the fullest when its really needed most. I believe in trying to protect any type of harm from the lady. I believe in doing acts that will degrade myself but yet make her laugh. I believe in serving her first so that she will serve me later. I believe in rubbing her feet every night so that she can face the world tommorow.


I believe i love her.